WAS IT A DREAM, GRANDMA?
A True Story
If you have read "Dennis, My Angel," then you will understand my childhood existence to some degree. My Grandmother was a relentless, prim, proper perfectionist. She did not show me her love – heaven forbid that she might show a "weakness." I never thought my Dad, Mom or Grandma loved me or that they even wanted me around. Because my Grandma pretty much raised me most of my life, I particularly felt her indifference. Yet for a few precious months before she died, we talked and we shared. I finally realized she had loved me the best that she knew how with the knowledge she had at that time.
For those few treasured months my Grandmother opened her heart to me – and I to her – then she slipped into a coma and soon thereafter died peacefully at home in the living room. I was with her, holding her hand. For some reason my gaze was drawn to her neck as she lay on her side. I could see the pulse in her neck as her heart beat, pumping the blood through her veins...and then all movement just simply ceased. I knew she was gone, but I could still feel her presence in the room. That almost scared me, but yet I was curious – was there life after death? Grandma had believed with a certain faith that there was! Could she let me know? Was that even possible?
We had to report her death to the authorities, since she had died at home. The Sheriff came to investigate, covered her body with a sheet, wrote his quick report and left. I think he called the Coroner – I'm not sure who did, but I remember Mom saying that both the Coroner and the Mortician were coming soon. While we waited, I could still feel her presence in that room, and for some reason, I uncovered her head and shoulders.
Her eyes were closed, as if she were only sleeping. I again took her hand and I addressed the Presence in the room, talking to what I believed to be my Grandmother's spirit, and asked her to show me if there was life after death as she had believed. I was not so sure at that time. I wanted to believe, but I did not have that certain knowledge that she seemed to possess for as long as I had known her. She was extremely solid and staunch in her beliefs, and I longed to be so certain – and I wanted to have some kind of evidence that my existence really counted for something and really mattered!
Just moments after saying the words to this Presence, the doorbell on the mobile home went "ding." This was odd, because the old-style doorbell had a handle that had to turn sideways to make the "ding" sound, and then immediately, by itself, would return back to the down position, to make the "dong" sound. Yet there was no "ding-dong" – only the "ding." I thought it was peculiar, but concluded that someone was holding it sideways, waiting to release it when we answered the door. Perhaps the Sheriff had forgotten something and came back for it?
My Mother answered the door. There was no one there. Coming up the street was the hearse. My Mom and I looked at each other – I was in line with the door, just a few feet from my Mother and both of us could see the street outside. Mom got a perplexed look on her face (and I was sure I also had a similar look on mine), and then she looked out at the hearse which was parking near the front door, looked back at me and then, as she looked back outside she said, "Bye, Mother." I will never forget those words she spoke, because as she said them, I could feel the Presence "whoosh" out the front door.
Taken aback, I tried to make some sort of sense to what had just happened. I quickly went to the front door and looked at the doorbell. It was in the down position – and that was impossible! It had to be in the sideways position to make the "ding" noise and it had to make the "dong" noise to return to the down position! Did Grandma somehow make it "ding" to let us know she was leaving?
I was confused, as was Mom. We both had been crying, grieving for my Grandma – but I knew I had not imagined that whole scenario – it had actually happened!
However, as almost any human being would do, I tried to rationalize everything, put everything in a "proper place." And I went on, as did my Mom, making funeral arrangements, etc. Then very abruptly and quite unexpectedly, her husband, my step-father, died two days later! Quite a blow! I made her go to the doctor when she told me her head felt like it was going to explode and that she was extremely dizzy.
He was quite concerned for a while, as were we, when we found out her blood pressure had sky-rocketed and she really should have had a stroke! I said a prayer of thanks that we had gone to the doctor before she actually had one! He gave her a shot of some kind and then we waited until her blood pressure stabilized to a more normal reading. With medication and as much help as I could give her, she endured the next grueling days, weeks and then months...
I kept Grandma's little car for a while, wanting to try to be close to her – and I swear I could see her out of the corner of my eye sometimes as I was driving it. I could feel her presence around me, yet I still doubted.
About a year later, with three children to take care of, a 10-12 hour per day, usually 6-days-per-week job, etc., I was caught up with every day surviving. We had sold Grandma's little car because we couldn't afford insurance, upkeep, etc., on three cars and no one else in the family really wanted a little car.
Depression has been a very big part of my psyche for as long as I can remember, and in those months after Grandma's death, it was no different. I would get maudlin at times, wishing Grandma and I could have talked some more and really gotten everything straightened out in our very dysfunctional relationship, because we just hadn't had the time to do so in the few short months before she died. However, for the most part, I didn't have the time nor the energy to think much about Grandma and the "what-if" factors.
Then, after a little over a year had passed since my Grandma's death, on the night I had "the dream," I remember going to bed after another exhausting day at work. I hadn't been thinking of Grandma, that's for sure – I was thinking of the bills, the children, work, exhaustion, trying to survive, wondering if it was all worthwhile, etc. That's pretty much all I was thinking about in the 1980's. I remember feeling like the "weight of the whole world" was resting on my shoulders! My husband had no job and I thought he was trying to care for the children while I was at work. Someone had to make the money – and that someone seemed to be me!
I don't even remember falling to sleep that night. The first thing I remember of "the dream" is that I was wandering around in the trailer that my Grandma had died in. I was looking to see if anyone was home, but no one seemed to be there. It was pretty dark as I started going toward the back bedroom. I made it there, looked in and saw no one. As I started back toward the living room area, I was just outside the bathroom door when I caught a glimpse of luminescence to my right, inside the bathroom. I turned to see if someone had switched the light on, but couldn't see very well past the doorway. It looked like there was FOG in the bathroom. I was thinking that someone had taken a very long hot shower for that much fog to be in there! Then I saw a Presence, a form standing in that heavy mist.
I wondered who could be standing there. The fog was so dense that I could only see a few feet into it. I was still in the hallway, wondering why the cloudiness ended abruptly in the middle of the doorway. The Presence came closer to the door and put a hand up, with fingertips right up to the very edge of the doorway, but not past the fog. I remember thinking something was very odd about the whole situation, but I do know at that time I also realized that I was dreaming. I figured that I might as well find out who was in the bathroom, since I was dreaming anyway, and I felt like whoever it was wanted me to put my hand into theirs. So I did.
I put my hand into the fog and into the hand which quickly grasped my own and pulled me into the bathroom. Wow! So quick! As I stood there I was in awe of this place. Then I realized I could see tree leaves in that heavy mist! But there could be no leaves because there could be no trees in the bathroom! I looked back, and there was no doorway! What in the world was going on???
Then I really looked at the Presence, wanting to ask questions and get some answers from this being. I couldn't make out features very well because of the heavy fog that you couldn't see anything past a couple of feet in – and also because everything seemed to be a little "out of focus." I knew the being was a "her" but I didn't know how I knew. I stood about two feet away from her and the only things that were really clear were her eyes. Piercing light blue eyes. Grandma?
Then I could see a little more clearly as the fog seemed to lift from just around where we were standing, and everything looked just a little hazy. Her golden blond hair sparkled like diamonds, like the sun reflecting off the snow, dazzling and most beautiful. In fact, her whole being sparkled, but more so around her head. She had a white robe on, with a golden sash around her waist. Grandma?
She smiled. It was her! It was my Grandmother! A younger version, yes, but it was her! She still had my hand in hers. As I tried to peer into the dense fog at what looked like branches and leaves, she guided me toward where the toilet should have been, but I saw what looked like a log there. Everything was still very cloudy just a few feet from us, so the log was a little out of focus, also.
To understand what happened to me next, you should know that while I was growing up, I tried to make my Grandma happy by being perfect. That didn't work. So then my Grandma and I had increasingly vicious, horrific fights. Those fights pretty much led up to a final "bathroom incident." My Grandma would cover herself up with a towel, front and bottom areas, and then have me come into the bathroom while she was in the tub, kneeling in the water, so I could wash her back. I could never do anything right, and she would complain about my washing her back – not hard enough, too hard, not in the right place, not enough soap, not rinsed well enough, etc. Finally, after several years, when I was a teenager, came the last time I would ever wash her back – I was just done! I threw the washcloth into the water and told her that since I couldn't ever do anything right that I would NEVER wash her back again! And even though there were many horrible fights, sometimes with total silence, most times with yelling and screaming – I would never again go to wash her back – no matter what she said or did!
SO! Back to the dream!
When we got to the log, she turned her back toward me, slipped her robe down over her shoulders, sat down on the log, then turned her head back toward me and raised her hand up to mine. In her hand was this washcloth-like thing, and I knew she wanted me to wash her back! Oh, no! No, that was NOT going to happen!
She just looked at me with her piercing blue eyes and pleaded silently, then I heard the word "please" telepathically. She looked so sad. I felt compassion rising within my soul. I felt like I needed to wash her back for some reason – and I was just dreaming anyway – so begrudgingly, I took the washcloth-like thing from her hand. She smiled. I reluctantly began to wash her back. As I touched the cloth to her back I almost dropped it. So many feelings flooded into my being at the same time it was overwhelming! It felt so good it almost hurt!
I stood there, cloth in hand, mouth open, surprised at the intensity of these unimaginable, exquisite feelings that filled my soul, my very essence. I felt total acceptance. I felt unconditional love. I felt overwhelming joy. And I felt all these things all at once! Never in my life on earth have I ever felt that wonderful! There was such peace, too. I had no worries, no pain, no depression! I felt so indescribably good! I wanted this to go on forever! I wanted to stay right there, with Grandma!
My Grandma pulled the robe up around her shoulders again, stood up and as she adjusted her golden sash, turned to face me again. She was smiling and the diamond-like, sparkling lights around her head and the rest of her being were brighter than before!
Now you also have to understand that this was a woman who never, ever was the first one to give a hug and/or a kiss to the cheek. Someone always had to offer to give her a hug first, and then it turned into a quick hug and/or a perfunctory kiss on the cheek, with her head turned to the side so she would not have to be too "loving." She was always closed off, keeping her arms crossed and/or her hands to herself. So what happened next really boggled my mind! She opened her arms wide to me! She actually wanted to give me a hug! And into those arms I went!
As her arms encircled me, all the wonderful, fantastic feelings intensified and I was caught up into a place that I never wanted to leave. I never wanted to lose what I was experiencing and I never wanted to stop feeling all those indescribable, exquisite emotions! Could this last for eternity? Oh, I wanted it to!
She gently let go of me and then she took her hand and grasped mine again. We walked through this beautiful fairyland, I guess you would call it. Even though I could not see anything much farther than a couple of feet in the fog, I knew it was an extraordinarily beautiful place. As we walked, I began to see a doorway. I knew I had to go through that doorway, but I really didn't want to. She had to slightly pull me along as she guided me back to where this journey had begun. Still holding my hand, but not going past the doorway, she guided the rest of my body into the hallway of the trailer. There I stood, one hand in the mist, held by hers, knowing that I couldn't hold onto her and that I had to "go back." I had to go back to the harshness, the everyday living. But I didn't want to!
I thought about trying to slip back into that beautiful area, but she was too quick. She let loose of my hand and the fog instantaneously disappeared! I immediately saw the sink, the mirror, the walls and the toilet! I knew I was dreaming again, dreaming that I was in the trailer, trying to find out if anyone was there or not.
Then, in the next moment I was sitting up in bed, wide awake! Still, I could feel her presence right next to me. Somehow I understood that she would always be with me and that she would always love me. I also knew that she understood how I was feeling and what I was doing – she understood and knew what was going on all the time!
I realized that Grandma also wanted me to have resolution to the heartache that I had always felt from my childhood. And slowly the feelings of being abandoned, unloved and unwanted by my Dad, Mom and Grandma began to change to feelings of being watched over, loved and cherished by all of them. No longer do I have doubts about life after death. I do, however, have doubts that what began as a dream was just a dream...
©Copyright 2003 - 2012, Mind Mysterious All rights reserved.
Web Design by Mind Mysterious